Meet Shruti Fraud, one of those voices in my head that keep me company during times when no flesh-n-blood certified Homo Sapiens are around. She's not one of the more frequent, but she makes up for it by being very analytical and philosophical- things that even my best friends wouldn't accuse me of being. You must excuse me if her words sound rather like mine, you can't have your cake and eat it too! Anyways, Fraud tells me that it's time for her earth-shattering psycological conclusions to hit prime-time. So, over to Fraud..

(Edit from Shrutz: The title is rather specific, but Fraud will go into depths of the human psyche, or as much as her fingers will allow her to.)

"Through times immemorial (Shrutz: "Oh! quit being so dramatic"), Man (and Woman) has wanted to have ESP. Here, from the eyes of Shruti is a deep insight into what her life has taught her..."

The Interpretation of Screams From my experience, I have learnt the meaning of different kinds of screams. Yes, you read it right S.C.R.E.A.M.S. Let's look at them!

• The girly non-scream: This can mean anything from "Oh, I am so scared. I need a strong person to support me" to "Oh! A cockroach landed on my head and messed up my coiffure" and "Ahh! I won Miss. Universe" silent scream. From guys, it means "I am a macho man in touch with my inner feminine. Ain't I cute?"
• The Mom/Dad scream: Long prolonged scream of name like so.. "NAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMME" ;). This can mean anything from "Come up here, young lady, and clean up your room THIS instant" to "How DARE you commit credit card fraud without my permission". Not that I HAVE, but it's nice to know, isn't it?
• The "I-am-on-a-roller-coaster" yell (aka the Fear-Factor Wooohooo): It means exactly that! Duh! Also in addition "I'm bungee-jumping/surfing/hang gliding/ parasailing/ jumpin off an airplane..." What it ACTUALLY means: "i am scared out of my mind, but I need to yell in a specific way to show that I am REALLY having fun..." Woohoo!
• The masculine grunt: Only one meaning, people "I am a taciturn, masculine man.. I may be a pig sometimes. Can you live with that?" Seems like it really has no takers.
• The sports screams: These are a whole section in themselves

a) The "You fool, a chimp can do it properly... with eyes blindfolded" couch potato scream of "argh". It's usually accompanied by much gnashing of teeth and pulling of hair.

b) The "Yay. The team won." cheer of the 'winners' watching the game.

c) The team taking a victory lap doesn't usually scream nor does the losing team who is regrouping.

d) The Shoaib Akthar yell of disappointment after his (chucked) ball just missed the wicket/batsman's edge/batsman's head. "Nooooooooooo"... Self explanatory, really.

e) The tennis grunts.. I REALLY don't know why!

f) The tough guy WWF Smackdown challenge. As fake as the whole concept. I am thumbing my nose at you, Mr Vince Macmahon

• The "I've just met my idol" girly scream and faint accompanied by tears of joy. Again, self explanatory, though I have never been able to figure why meeting Brad Pitt or Julia Roberts and shaking their hands is so great a thing that the fans never wash their hands again. Not very, cool, you must agree!
• Finally, "Oprah has just bought me a new house." prolonged yell of joy and tribal dance accompaniment. She's just so fine!

There are so many more screams, that I hate to leave you in this lurch. But we HAVE to move on!

Men are from Uranus Now that I have gotten that joke off my mind, I must confess this... This IS how guys' minds work. No matter how completely sweet, decent and absolutely darling they seem to be.  There are very few who'd tell a girl that openly, but trust me Sister.. I know!

Very few guys would admit it, but it hurts their ego when girls can do something without their help! (Am I right or am I right?) And hurting their ego is a no-no. So, girls, please continue doing it!

Seriously, their ego is a very fragile thing. So most guys like to think that there's noone "as handsome, as talented, as intelligent and as charismatic as me" even if he's buck-toothed, balding, has an IQ of 80 and all the charisma of a teaspoon.

I have mentioned the ladder theory in a previous post, feel free to browse through, because I couldn't put it better myself!

Girls gripe  "They keep laughing like hyenas at nothing. I can't understand why they become all touchy at small things and they can't take a hint through their tough skulls. They act all macho and tough and then boast about it!"

Girls, girls!! It is all an ACT! :D Okay, maybe there are some who are completely indifferent. but let's just generalise now, shall we?

With all this, I must also add, that guys are be very good friends. They'll stick by you through thick and thin and help you in any way they can. mushy me! The hitch, of course, is that you'll have to tolerate their gross comments, at times! And if you're a 'guy pal', you can be sure to get all the details of the girls they're eying... Fun, nevertheless! Especially, when you can laugh at them and give them advice... So that brings me to,

Women are from Sirius: Girls and guys could NOT be more different. Hence, I have taken them light years away. Sirius, is the brightest star in the night sky, and most women like to be the brightest.... I am not saying it works, but it's great having an ambition, right?

The grouse of most guys is that "Girls never understand our dumb jokes." or "Damn. She's giving me mixed signals!" (the reason for many shredded flowers.. "She loves me, She loves me not."

a) Nuh-uh.. They do and they just pretend not to both times.

b) Don't even try to do anything unless you are confident. (Yeah! I am talking to YOU.. Speedo!)

This advice is free of cost, by the way.

For all the cynics out there, I'd just like to say... Girls just want affirmation. If you're friendly with a girl (and I DO mean just friendly), she won't mind some leg-pulling as long as she knows it's not what you really think. If it is, you might be in SOME trouble mister. Hmm, maybe the ego thing applies equally, eh?

Most girls want to feel special, first and foremost. Girls always have best friends from the fairer sex, because they connect at a deeper level (ie complaining about the people they know!), PLUS the shopping is SO much better! Information interchange is much better as well! (aka gossip)

By the way, for all those people who think ONLY girls gossip... ding you're WRONG! Guys do it too.. Only thing, it's called Locker room talk. (PS: I wouldn't like any comments negating it, I've proof!)

Shrutz: Okay that's it from Fraud for the time being. Psycho-babble out. She will update with more of the same, IF it makes any sense to someone! next up "I go and the Eid Mubarak" (okay that as just DUMB)

squabbles with other voices in head

First edition

Copyright@2005, Shruti George